There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize