Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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