I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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