I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
