i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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