I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
