Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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