Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize