How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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