Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap