i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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Walk of Shame today included voting.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?