Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
