I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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