I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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