I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
