life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
