She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
