Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
