My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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