Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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