I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
