i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just gift wrapped bread.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
