theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
