Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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