before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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