The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
