First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
