glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Soap is not a condiment
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
