My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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