the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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