Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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