after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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