Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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