woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
