I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I intend to get homeless drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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