she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
