apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
