after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
