I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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