remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
