i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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