Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
