if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
