Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
