I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
