I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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