Please, let me fuck your mom
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
