Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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