I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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