well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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