I just threw up on my dentist
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
