I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
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