i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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