If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
