pop tarts are not kleenex
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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