I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
